Erika Silvermoon
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Phoenix Ravenflame's Blog


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by Blogger

Monday, June 30, 2003

I didn't go to bed till past 9 am this morning, and I slept most of the day till about 4pm. I got pretty good rest even with the pain, because I tired myself out enough tot sleep through it. Yay for anime! ^-^ I think it's time to shake out the baffle boxes on the bed though as my ribs keep hurting from the hard magnetic mattress my parents are letting us borrow. I have some bruises on my leg too and I don't know how I got them. :-( Today is the last day before going back on my diet again (probably for another 4 months at least, as usual) so I had ramen for lunch... and then when Juan called from work to see about dinner plans I was embarrassed but I asked him if it was ok for me to eat HALF of the oreos... he said sure... then I explained what I meant... and he LAUGHED but said sure anyway! ^-^ So I twisted almost a dozen oreos apart and I only ate the halves with the filling on them!!! *blush!!* But I figure that's better than eating both halves when I don't really need even MORE sugar and carbs while I'm going nuts before giving it all up for so long. It's silly I guess but there is this urge to stock up on the experiences and tastes I know I really REALLY enjoy and will be craving for the next third of the year. For a long while I thought I'd never want to eat ramen again after living off it when I was sick and starving... but I think I come back to it partly because it was one of my FIRST experiences eating "normal" food at a friend's house when I was a kid. So to me at that time "rich" people ate ramen. ^-^

I've finally watched most of GTO and now I'm about to go into my Rurouni Kenshin marathon next. ^-^ I figure I'll watch a ton of anime and hopefully play sims to help focus me on things I enjoy other than food, and starting my hard 2 weeks of the diet won't be too bad. It helps a lot to know more about what's out there I can still eat on the diet too... the first time around I went insane for sweets before figuring out I could have sugar free cool aid and sugar free jello, eating almost nothing but chicken breast and a few veggies and cheese for most of a month really got to me.... I'm thinking about trying to measure out fresh veggies to snack on into small ziplock baggies where I've calculated the carb count already to make it handy, I think that was part of why I started going a little too heavy on the energy bars for a while there, the carb count was already counted so when I was in a daze and didn't feel like trying to calculate they were easy to grab and add up in my little book. Another thing I'm looking forward to this time is some of the meals I've invented with chicken breast in cream sauces with spice or herbs or capers and stuff like that. And I think when I put the leftovers away for lunch the next day I should try putting it in individual serving portions and this time do stuff like cut up the meat or chicken already so when I'm all tired the next day I don't feel overwhelmed about preparing a lunchtime meal. I get where I feel lonely if I eat along without the tv or computer to focus on, and when I have to cut up the food or prepare it much I end up feeling that depression of eating alone more, so I think I can try to work around this so it won't get to me. I feel so disfunctional... but realizing what seems to be going on and trying to work my way around it is better than giving up and wallowing in it.

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Maybe I should write out my pain-free fantasy week... like say, Monday I would be able to clean the house to get it straightened out from the weekend before, and vacuum and burn scented candles and read on my breaks while I played music and worked on cleaning or household related BIG projects, like cleaning out the closet or organizing the kitchen cupboards, stuff like that, and then in the late afternoon or early evening I could call a friend who isn't working and we could have a visit, or go shopping, or go to the park, or out for coffee, or get together to work on some project together, and we would have fun and keep in touch and it wouldn't be too long to wear me out, and then I'd be back home by about 8 or 8:30 to fix dinner for Juan and have dinner ready when he came home from work. ^-^ And then we wouldn't stay up TOO late, but we'd get to spend a little time together catching up on our day and talking and maybe watch ONE movie, instead of clinging to our time together and staying up WAY late. Then, because it's my fantasy perfect week plan, Juan would actually HAVE Tuesdays off like they PROMISED him when they gave him his raise and changed him to Salary pay, so we would have all day Tuesday to go visiting friends together, or go to the movies and/or dinner, and just generally have time to spend working on things together. Then we'd go to bed EARLY and wake up early enough that we could have time together BEFORE Juan had to be at work by 10am, and we could have breakfast together, or Juan could go ride his bike or work out, or we could draw and sketch together and listen to music, finally have the time to do those things he wants to do but he never manages to get up early to do them. Wednesday I could set aside for working on all my projects and keeping up with my online life, email, forums, working on graphics and projects, and getting to play all my games.... And again have a nice dinner ready when Juan gets home from work, and again not stay up late, and again wake up early. Thursday and Friday could be like Monday with getting to make plans with friends, and Saturday night would be the night we PLAN to stay up way late but not because we feel deprived of each other, and then sleep in Sunday, and get to do mostly "us" stuff and Family stuff Sunday, and I wouldn't keep missing the family chat my extended family does in the evenings. Yeah... and as long as it's a fantasy... I would have a dining table instead of the drafting table in the dining room, and I could set it up and throw little dinner parties again, so people could come over for dinner and not have to sit on the couch or floor. And I would have at least one SAFE surface that the cats couldn't get to where I could sometimes have a vase of flowers or a plant. And we'd have washer and dryer hook ups so we could save up for a washer and dryer and I'd be able to to our laundry at HOME and we wouldn't have to have Juan spending so much of his one day off doing laundry!! ^-^

If I got really ambitious my fantasy would go on to me being ALL well, back down to my normal weight range (like before I was so sick), I'd finish my last 18 hours and get my bachelor's degree, and be well and healthy and find out I can have kids after all and we could expand our little family.... and somehow get lucky with a computer related job I can do working out of the home while I take care of the kids.... sigh.... Hey... as long as it's a fantasy, why not have my dad accept me eating SUGAR and not lecturing me on that anymore?! And not lecture about how I should go stand in my bathtub whenever I run the microwave! And not try to force me into weird eating or exercise of any kind!! OK... now that's just getting a little TOO fantastic... even for my fantasy life.... sigh.... :-P

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The weekend has been pretty good even though I've had a lot of pain. I made it to the Birthday Party Fred and Eva had for Juan Saturday after their other plans with us fell through twice. I was sad Luna-Chan didn't get to make it because of work and her brother being out of town so she had to watch the house with her parents being out of town too! I got to see Andi and her baby Robert before the party, he's gotten SO big for a 2 year old! He cried when I had to put him down because I couldn't keep holding him. I felt bad, I need to build up my strength more after all my illness plus the whole lump and surgery. My follow up appointment for that is in August, they have to check again to make sure it doesn't seem to be a malignant cancer. I'm hoping for the best since the tumor they removed was benign. At the party we got to see lots of people we haven't seen in months. John and Kari were there and their baby boy is almost 5 months old and I had only seen him once since birth, when they dropped in for a visit with him a few weeks after my operation. HE is really big too, wearing one year old size clothes at 4 1/2 months old! O-o My friends all seem to have really TALL kids! If the 2 1/2 to 3 years old height equals 1/2 the estimated adult height, they'll all be over 6 feet tall!

After the Birthday Party Craig came over and we watched his dvd of Vampire Hunter D Bloodlust and it was really good! He found it on sale for about $6 and now I wish we could go cruising the pawn shops for anime too! ^-^ I'd just never thought about that! Juan and I stayed up waaay too late and then I started not feeling well other than just my pain, and I slept in late and had to take more pain pills all day Sunday. :-( Craig came over for a little while to do some computer stuff with us and borrow one of our cat carriers before he left to get back to the next big town, about an hour or so drive. His poor cat probably didn't like the trip.... While he was still here our friend WolF called and he came over to visit a while too. I felt bad I wasn't up to doing much except sit around and talk and take pain pills, but it was good to see him. I felt guilty about never getting around to calling up ANYONE to plan stuff with them though. It seems that all too often anything I do manage to do is because it just came up, so I had to suffer through any pain or fatigue and deal with it. Sometimes when it's not so bad it really IS a fun thing to have adventures even if I'm tired or a little pain, but other times I'm just feeling so wiped out I start dreading the next birthday or holiday and just want to crawl into a corner and never come out of my little cave. Then I start resenting not having WELL time I get to spend just on ME or on me and Juan doing things we want to do together. I do want to get well and do stuff with my friends but I want to have a share in my own time too. I think I have a lot of emotional baggage over this issue because of my past with my family, and with abusive relationships, and the situation at the Wesley Foundation where I was living in a public place where I was on duty, anyone could knock on the door and take over my time at a moment's notice. All those things together I think make me over-sensitive to feeling "invaded" when my day is taken over by things I didn't get to plan for.

Tonight Juan left me home alone doing computer stuff and taking my pain pills every time the next dose was due, he had to go to his parents house to do the laundry. He brought home tamales his parents brought from Mexico, and a cake/flan dessert thing that was amazing! Half chocolate cake, half flan!! O-o I've GOT to learn how to do that and make one for Celleigh!!!! ^-^ He also brought a few DVDs his brother had left at their parents house, so now we're taking a turn borrowing them, and we watched The Hot Chick and stayed up way too late. Then Juan went to bed but I've stayed up snacking on carrots and tomatoes that were sent home with us from Juan's party, and the cake... and my leftover tamales... I've kind of gone insane for foods I won't get to have on my diet that starts again Tuesday.... sigh.... At least the POUNDS of carrots and tomatoes are better for me than most of the other "Taboo" foods I could be gorging on....

I've been watching Great Teacher Onizuka all night again. I'm hoping to finish watching the series and then finish watching Rurouni Kenshin and Hunter X Hunter too. I'm picking up more Japanese all the time this way.... I've GOT to get ahold of more stuff with Spanish language track and English subtitles, as this seems to be a way my mind latches onto new words till I know them without thinking, and that's a great trick!

I'm glad I'm getting to do some of the things I've been wanting to do but somehow haven't been spending time on, one way or another. I finally got the bedroom working better with clothes storage and the closet and the nightstand areas, and then Friday night Juan stayed up late with me working on the storage closet, pulling almost everything out and organizing it, and I was pulling out things to give to goodwill or throw away, and it's like we have over half the space empty now where it was pretty crammed and falling all over the place before. I firmly believe in stacking UP to the ceiling if at all possible, before spreading out to the next space over, instead of having a bunch of stacks that only go about chest high. I was VERY frustrated with that and now I'm VERY happy with it being fixed! We still have some boxes of papers and old bill statements to sort through and throw out all the old stuff and save things I want to keep like cards and letters. When we moved in December 2000 we kind of threw a lot of papers into boxes and we've still got them sitting in those boxes... sigh. Another thing I'm happy about is working towards having a really REALLY clean tub and shower tiles, since the new cleaner I've got works wonderfully, but it's got so much hard water stain layered in that it's never been REALLY clean since we moved in. It's been sanitary, but stained this whole time. Even my big BLEACHING adventure with most of the bottle of clorox didn't get the stains bleached out. And I'm happy to be reading books again, for a long while my concentration was so shot I couldn't really sit down and enjoy reading a book, and now that I've been better it's seemed I'm always doing something else, somehow. Usually on the computer, or with friends over, or out having adventures. One of my next things to get around doing is play sims again to get my sim up to a Superstar! I've been so busy or distracted I haven't played my game for more than a month now! O-o And it's one of my main obsessions in life!! ...sad huh? But with sickness, pain, real life drama/trauma, adventures, or my current anime OBSESSION it seems all my time for other recreation/creativity, relationship time, and cleaning/housekeeping time (and sometimes sleep time...) has gone out the window. I think I need to find more balance in my life.....

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Thursday, June 26, 2003

I'm having a pretty good day today. ^-^ I stayed up all night last night reading Chronicles of Narnia and watching Anime (Great Teacher Onizuka!) as my pain came and went, and I crashed HARD and Juan woke up and helped me to bed about 8:30-9:00 am. I woke up around 3-3:30-ish when Celleigh came over and knocked on the door. I was glad it was her, I could let her in still in my sleep clothes! :-P We had a good visit and played with the kitties. ^-^

After Celleigh left I realized I had ENERGY so I checked my email and got all involved with my FlyLady stuff and started out just picking up in the living room... and then thought I'd work on the "zone" for the FlyLady assignment and actually DO some of the stuff I've been "meaning to do" in the bedroom. I sorted out the clothes by my side of the bed and folded up and PUT AWAY in the closet shelves my winter clothes and shirts I'm not really wearing all the time now. ^-^ Then I got ambitions and threw the clean clothes out on the bed and sorted THOSE too! Then I went to "swish" clean the toilet and straighten the bathroom, because I had to go there anyway, and I'd already popped in with a few clean towels to put away... and I ended up re-supplying the toilet paper and then thought I might as well try my plan to try using my new "super" cleaner to clean the sink stains that never come out. I got so excited about the clean bathroom sink when the stains DID come out, for the first time since we moved in... that I sprayed the stuff all over the bathroom tiles in the tub and started cleaning more there too! I'd already used the stuff to clean about half the tub in another cleaning streak... it's taking a good amount of grime each time but it still has a way to go. Ember came in and gave me her "what are you doing, you silly human!?" look that kitties do so well... as I squeaked and screamed when I got all soaked with the cold water running down into my armpit when I was reaching up to rinse!! Ak! O-o But it was FUN because I'm in insane cleaning mode right now! ^-^

Juan called from work about what we want to do for dinner and now we've got plans for him to bring home Schlotzkys (spelling?!) sandwiches for dinner, which is great because I won't have to get the kitchen dirty and I'll get to eat that treat before going back on my diet. ^-^

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Wednesday, June 25, 2003

What Kind of Fruit Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

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Monday, June 23, 2003

Sunday I did pretty well for staying up and going all day... although we BOTH took a nap early afternoon because we were wiped out. My pain was hardly there at all, today it's been worse again... grrrr... sigh. We got to go to dinner with Craig since he was in town, and LunaCorn met us at the restaraunt and joined us. It was a good visit. ^-^ Figuring out bills and grocery shopping was rough after that though, but I have a week's worth of ramen noodles to fall back on now. And we got cake mix and icing for Juan's Birthday Cake I get to make him for his birthday tomorrow. ^-^ Before dinner yesterday we went shopping at Best Buy and I had to end up asking Juan for help finding what I wanted to get him for his birthday... because I didn't know the NAMES of the movies that count as the "Spaghetti Westerns!" O-o But I got something else too and he doesn't even know that yet... till he reads this. ^-^

I hope we get some money Tuesday but I don't know if we will... that will determine whether we get more groceries this week or scrape through.

Now for silly quiz type stuff:

You are Peace
You are Peace.

You are at peace with your self and the world
around you. You have balance in your life and
exude tranquility from every pore of your body.
People are constantly asking you "what is
your secret?"

What Emotion Are You?
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This is what I got when I picked the song Angel... and the following is what I got when I went back to change that ONE answer to Fur Elise, as I was TORN between them... having been named after that song....

You Are Love
You are Love.

You love life, you love all those around you and
the world that you live in. You are happiest
when you are doing something for someone else
or for the common good of mankind.

What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

The haxor handle of FaeLuna is "Rapid Ov3rride".

What's yours?

Enter your name:

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Saturday, June 21, 2003

Rough day, more pain, still can't breathe. :-( On a good note, a friend from the old kazaalite forums I had been at messaged me to tell me someone started a new one, so I got to "see" old friends I'd missed. ^-^ And I've been reading the Chronicles of Narnia again, for the first time since I read them all those years ago checked out of the library as a kid. I'm really happy Juan got me that for Christmas.

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Friday, June 20, 2003

It's time for the Friday Five!

1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short?

Naturally wavy and very long, though I just trimmed it a month or two ago so I wouldn't keep SITTING on it... now it's a little above my waist.

2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime?

It used to be a lot LIGHTER honey blonde... now it's so dark I have to admit it's a brownish blonde... I should get outside in the SUN more often!

3. How do your normally wear your hair?

With the top half pulled back from the face in a hair clip/clamp/claw thing.

4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like?

If I could change my hair this minute it would look like the long wavy movie star hair of the 40's, falling in soft waves and curls, and it would be a brighter lighter golden blonde... and it might have 3 green streaks in it... ^-^

5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened?

I guess the time I gave myself a secret haircut when I was 5 or 6 years old was a hair disaster! I found scissors and thought I'd cut just a little off my bangs and hide the hair behind the couch where no one would find it... I wonder how they knew?! (I'd chopped off my bangs to about 1/4-1/2 inch fuzz right in the middle of my forehead!!! O-o )

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I had big pain again this morning, which was kind of scary since I thought I got that out of the way YESTERDAY morning.... I'm up for the day now since I couldn't sleep through the neighbor girl downstairs banging on the door and SCREAMING for her mother to open the door... for over 20 minutes... This has happened several times now... I'm not sure what's going on there... whether the mother wants the daughter to stay out so she doesn't bother her doing something, or whether it might be to discipline the daughter for something... but it's loud and shakes the whole apartment. Now I'm walking around trying to breathe. The pain is better now but I still can't stand up straight so I feel like I'm doing a miserable cave woman walk around the apartment, snuffling and shuffling.... ugh. I want to get well and then have a nice quiet day to myself that I can ENJOY and just do stuff I've been wanting to do instead of either being busy dealing with things, or busy dealing with being sick.

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Finally getting a chance to deal with my blog again... I've had a ton of trouble with the javascript not working and running slow... now one of my friends emailed me to tell me it's messing up HIS computer too... so I'm taking out ALL the javascripts to see if that works! :-P ...and after all those 5 hours of tweaking it all too.... sigh.

LunaCorn (aka Luna-Chan) stayed over Sunday night through today, Celleigh and Moonwolf were here Monday, Celleigh again part of Tuesday after a bad visit with her mother, and again for a little bit with Kisty on Wednesday for her Hair Emergency. Last night I had some pains but not too bad. Richard called because he was in town so I invited him over for dinner since I was already cooking when he called. I made my first attempt at chicken curry and it wasn't bad. ^-^ We got full eating the curry and rice and plantains so we didn't get around to eating the baked yam.

This morning I woke up having one of my ruptures and it was bad. :-( I tried not to be too loud with the crying because I didn't want to wake up LunaCorn. As the pain got better I made up a new pain song though... to the tune of the Irish Drinking Song by Flogging Molly... "I'm gonna scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and cry.... I think something inside me broke and now I'm gonna die! oh!...." Juan was glad I could be silly and laugh at myself and the pain. I felt bad because my crying made him cry too.

I'm sick of being sick with my sinuses. I really hope that clears up fast now... I think it's been a couple of WEEKS now and it FEELS like longer than that since I could breathe normally. It's been making me feel drained and fatigued lately and I haven't felt up to dealing with much stress while I'm like this... so of course that's when life throws stuff at you, right? ~-^

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Sunday, June 15, 2003

I thought I would sleep later today but after only 6 hours of sleep I'm tossing and turning and wrestling with the blankets and I just can't try to sleep any more! The plan was to sleep till about noon and then go to the store to get the dishes I want to give my mother for her late birthday present... maybe it's because the store is opening NOW that I can't sleep.... O-o I also kind of woke up when I suddenly remembered I need to get chickpeas for the curry... I don't know why I'll suddenly think of these kinds of things when I'm half asleep. But when I do it wakes me up because I know I'll forget again if I don't DO something about it!

When I got up and came out to the living room I suddenly had 3 of the FRIENDLIEST most ATTENTIVE cats EVER! Translation... they're STARVING kitties!!! So I divided up the last of the cat food in the bin into 2 dishes so the boys could eat from one while Ember claims the main dish. I'll have to get Juan to help me put the new bag of cat food into the bin because it was kind of disasterous the last time I tried to do that by myself.... I don't know whether to go see if he wants to wake up now since I'm awake, or whether to let him sleep since I think he could really use the rest. I also don't know if I should start eating the gorditas for breakfast by myself... I think I should wait and eat with him, I like eating together a lot more than eating alone. But they're calling to me.... Maybe I will pounce him and announce "Elevenzies!" again. We HAVE missed both first and second breakfast after all! ~-^

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I got started on making dinner before Juan got home so I already had the chicken breasts defrosted when he called and said he'd be late. By the time he got home with the green onions I'd already cooked the chicken and was ready for the celophane noodles. Perfect timing! ^-^ So we had "chicken and long rice" for dinner and I got to remember sneaking it when my parents weren't looking, even though it was one of those foods they didn't disapprove of AS much as most "normal" foods everyone else got to eat. We have a nice pot of leftovers so I'll have it for lunch tomorrow too. ^-^ After dinner we went out grocery shopping. Ooooh... the exciting Saturday night out at wal-mart! O-o I planned out a menu for the week and had my grocery list and it worked out nicely. All the foods I'm wanting to eat while on a break in my diet are too hard to think of all at once so doing the weekly menu helps. My plan has some pretty interesting dinners though, like we got plantains on a whim and now I want to make chicken curry and yams to go with them. I need to look up the recipe for those pork buns I never thought I'd have again, I had them in Hawaii and a few months ago an online friend told me what they were called and helped me look up the recipe. The recipe has fish paste though so I might leave out that one ingredient so Juan can try them too!

At wal-mart I found a quarter on the floor in the cards section when we were finding our father's day cards for tommorrow! ^-^ Last time we were at wal-mart I found a five dollar bill on the floor but after I had it in my pocket and we were walking off to find the shortest line, a boy and his dad came up and asked if we just found five dollars around there so I gave it back to them. Juan said I was fated to be the instument of karma to give people back their lost money. ^-^ After I found the quarter I found 4 pennies all in different places too! The last one was in the middle of the parking lot lane as we walked back to the car.

Right now we're watching a really fun Japanese/American jointly made movie called GunHed. It's one of those movies where it's kind of like watching live-action anime! And it has giant mechs. ^-^

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Saturday, June 14, 2003

oh good, that was quick, it was Celleigh asking if I remembered how the piercing guy put in her belly button ring because she wanted to take it out and replace it with the flashing one she got, but all I saw was the part where he hooked the ring to the end of the needle that was already stuck THROUGH her and then used that to pull the ring into place... I didn't really see how he did the part with the metal ball to fasten it, and she can't figure how to get that off... I think that might be good anyway because I think you're not really supposed to try to change the ring out till your wound is healed up. She sounds happy and is going out with her little sister so that sounds good. ^-^ I was worried how things would be going for her and Moonwolf today.

And now, before I keel over from hunger... time for popcorn!

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OK! Looks like today is the day I don't get to EAT! :-P I was just sitting down to my healthy breakfast/lunch of a bag of popcorn and diet cream soda... err... yeah.. I know... not the best meal ever... when I got a phone call from LunaCorn!! Yay!!!! So we talked and I checked my email for the fan fiction she's starting to write, and I LOVE it!!! She's really into Inuyasha and she currently has MOST of the fansubbed episodes I burned to cd sitting over at HER place and I still haven't watched them all myself!! O-o She had me critique and edit the beginning to her story and now I'm sitting her twitching waiting for MORE... while she's gone off to work so I can't harass her about it right away! :-P Anyway, that was a welcome inturruption to my popcorn meal. ^-^ Then she had to start leaving for work and I was going to eat and see about planning this week's grocery shopping, since Juan and I actually sat down and figured out the finances together last night (YAY!!!!). But THEN Juan called ACCIDENTALLY as he dialed the wrong number and phoned home when he was supposed to be calling the other store to see what bottles he needed to bring with him as he's about to finish his workday at the one store and head to the other to finish out the day there and do closing for that store. So we got to talk a very little bit and plan supper. We're making "chicken and long rice" which is a dish we always had at church dinners in Hawaii when I was a kid. ...and I JUST now remembered I forgot to ask him to pick up some green onions on the way home! It's the only ingredient we don't have! Oh well... might just do regular onions so it'll have some onion-y flavor.... ANYWAY, then right after talking to him I was eating popcorn again and then our friend Kari called, out of the blue, right after I'd emailed her back from the email I just got from her... and the funny thing was I thought she was calling because she saw I just emailed her so she would know I was home and awake, but she HADN'T seen my email and just called out of the blue! ^-^

And now I'm going to try to finish this bag of popcorn before anyone ELSE calls! It's taken me 2 and a half hours so far and I'm only about half finished! AK THE PHONE IS RINGING NOW!!!

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You're just You. Being sweet doesn't necessarily
matter.You'd rather just be you and if people
don't like it,screw them.

How Sweet are You?
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Fuzzy Coconut! You are a fuzzy coconut. You live on
Glucose and live in a tree like a crazy mofo
with leprosy. You have been mistaken for a
bowling ball and probably identify with the
Lion King because they sing "I've got a
lovely bunch of coconuts.."

What Fuzzy Thing Are You?
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You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.

What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

This struck me as funny, I've never thought of myself as a smirk before but I DO tend to get that little half smile a lot as things amuse me.... ^-^

Well I was up for 36 hours and then slept for 12! I read somewhere that that was one of the natural cycles the human body will go into when they do experiments where they shut people up away from sunlight and clocks so they have no idea what time it is or how many hours have past. I thought that was interesting. I finally slept and it seems all the dreams that were backlogged or something all tried to jam in there at once, which made for some pretty weird stuff, like me grabbing giant mushrooms trying to float out the window and getting bitten by some yellow ladybug beetle that started trying to burrow into the palm of my hand! The weird part was I woke up then and my hand hurt... :-( Maybe I clenched my fist and stabbed myself with my nails....

Last night after we watched the movie we stayed up even longer and watched the 3rd episode of an anime series called Read Or Die! I stumbled across it in kazaa and with a title like that I had to check it out. The sad thing is I thought it wouldn't hurt too much to come in on the third episode and it turned out that the series IS only three episodes, so we watched the exciting CONCLUSION to the series first! Ak! :-P

Celleigh called last night to tell me she told Moonwolf she wanted to try a separation to see if they were happier that way. Things like this going on with our friends tend to make me and Juan get anxious about how WE are doing so we did a lot of talking and stuff about US and our insecurities and fears and frustrations and everything. I think there is a danger of falling into a sort of taking things for granted "this is the way it is now" kind of mode in a marriage relationship. I think having "got" or "found" each other then the distraction of just daily survival can take over. I've realized through past relationships that sometimes really loving each other isn't all there is to it, it's not enough if you can't co-operate and co-ordinate and just get along as you're doing your daily life too. Growing up I realized that I love my brother dearly but part of why I moved out of the house while I was in college was to get away from his MESS he was always making and bringing into MY room, just kind of taking over the whole house with piles of STUFF as he worked on his art, or read his comics or whatever he was doing. I hated sharing a room with him, his clothes were always lying everywhere. I think it's stuff like that that you don't always think about when you're getting into a relationship. I'm really glad Juan and I are working things out still when it comes to the living together part. We've still got some problems with stuff related to our shared living space and how we use it, what we're comfortable with when it comes to clutter and stuff left out, where we want to store stuff, what things we want to see out and what to put away, where to put our CLOTHES was such an issue at one point that I freaked out and started throwing all his clothes across the room into one big pile on the other side of HIS side of the bed... he came home and I was so upset he thought I was throwing HIM out! O-o I was sick of trying to find a space for my clothes where I would always have MY clothes and ONLY my clothes without HIS clothes thrown on top. I would put my clothes in a clothes basket and the next thing I knew they were buried under HIS clothes. I would hang my clothes over a chair and then his clothes would magically migrate there too. ANYWHERE I put my clothes he would pile his on top! Now he has a basket for clothes on HIS side of the bed, and I have my basket for clothes on MY side of the bed. It still distresses me when he puts ALL the clean laundry in the pile on his side of the bed sometimes, or when the clothes on his side strew out to take up ALL the floor on his side of the bed, but I'm happy I can now find ONLY my clothes on my side of the bed. Why is it these little things that can really cause so much frustration and pain?

The big issue now is me wanting to get the drafting table out of the house, sell it, give it away, just get it OUT so I can have a dining room again. It's like the room we can't use because the drafting table takes up most of the room and we haven't used the drafting table at all in the 3 years we've had it! O-o It's impractical here since we can't shut it away from the kitties climbing all over it if we DID try to use it. Our neighbor and his boss were going to take it when we offered it to them FREE... but it's been a few weeks now and no contact from them so I guess now I'm waiting for Juan to put an ad out to sell it cheap. I've been waiting for him to do something like that about my car now that we've made the decision to get rid of it... we took it off the insurance last year... and it's still sitting around in the parking area out here along with his car that's not working, while we drive my parents car they let us borrow since his has terrible mold I have a pretty severe allergy reaction to. When he was still driving it HE was starting to become sensitive to it too! He would come home and I couldn't hug him welcome home till he'd showered! That was one of those BIG stress issues... I was STUCK in the house and couldn't leave at all since we had no transportation I could survive! Ane Juan was stuck doing EVERYTHING by himself that required leaving the house, the laundry, the grocery shopping, etc. He still does most of that by himself because I'm sick so much, but it not being an option for me to get to go with him when I WAS well was that much worse because we already had little enough chances of that as it is.

We're still working out stuff like what Juan really wants to do with his time when he comes home from work. He often just zones out in front of the tv and we both know he talks about wanting to work on his art and not having enough time to just sit down and draw... but he never gets around to it when he DOES have some time. We haven't figured how to work around that yet. When we were in our first year or so together at the old house we had that weird transitional stage where he would come home from work and I'd drop what I was doing and kind of go into "date" mode, the what do you want to do limbo where I kind of stopped whatever I had been doing before he got home, and just stood by waiting to see what HE wanted to do. I was sort of "on duty for entertainment" as it were. We got to talk that out and change to a more "family" kind of thing, at least more like my family was growing up, where you could all sit around the same area going on with whatever your personal interests were instead of planning "together" stuff all the time. I always run to hug him when he gets home though. ^-^ We both miss it when we're all hectic and somehow we didn't get that hug in. Now that I go back to doing my own thing when he's home though we're having a problem where I'm all involved in my computer world (like obsessively working away at my new layout and graphics, for instance) and he sees how absorbed I am so even when he DOES want to do something together he doesn't say anything because he sees how intense I am or how much fun I'm having and he doesn't want to inturrupt that. I know there are times when I'm really wanting to get something finished up to a certain point, so I won't always just drop it right away, but I WOULD like to know when he has ideas or plans or wants to do stuff together, so I can respond to that instead of not knowing. I have trouble telling when he's watching tv to fill time, and when he's really interested in it. And I'll do the same thing with the computer, where I finish what I was doing, and look over to see him apparantly busy and content with the tv or other computer, so I'll go find something else to do on the computer and we end up doing the same thing, not knowing we're each waiting for the other to come to a stopping point or show interest in doing something together. We had a lot of that same kind of "You were waiting on ME?! I was waiting on YOU!!" confusion in my family growing up.

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Friday, June 13, 2003

Believe it or not, I'm still up! But it took me THREE tries to spell everything including THIS sentence! :-P Juan took me to Quiznos and Maggie Moo's the ultimate treat! Unless we were insane and went to Krispy Kreme and Starbucks after that!! O-o Then we walked down the sidewalks outside the store fronts while I ate my ice cream, and we checked on the price of the dishes I really wanted to get my Mother for her Birthday, which was in MAY and we didn't get to DO anything to celebrate yet! I haven't even managed to send an email postcard! :-( But we should see them Sunday and I want to get her a belated Birthday card and my Dad a Father's day card. I'm thinking about spending my spending money I've been saving up to buy a hutch for the bathroom, the same way I saved up and bought the pantry. I figure if I spend some of it on this now I'll still be able to save up to get the bathroom hutch by the end of August, and that's not so bad. ^-^

And now we're going to watch a movie! Here at home where we can pause it if we start falling asleep, which at this rate is very likely!

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I think that's about it for messing with my blog layout and graphics for now. I keep forgetting to change this post area so there's some space for a margin, I always forget whether that's cellpadding or cell spacing. I'm trying to stay awake till Juan gets home so I won't be asleep for the night before he comes home! Since I lay there in bed for a few hours but never really fell asleep this means I've been up for over 24 hours now, and I'm NOT good at sleep dep! O-o ...or is it @-@

Celleigh came over for a little while, right when I had most of the main graphics and stuff done, and she approved. ^-^ She warned me that Ken and Andi might drop by later. I think I might be asleep by then!

Yay!! Just this minute Juan is HOME!!! ^-^

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Well this is it! I just replaced my old template with the new one, I hope it finally works! ^-^

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I've been working on my new blog template all night and I've changed my tagboard settings to go with it, so for now the colors are funky and don't match my current graphics. :-P I'm driving myself nuts with the concept I'm trying to get to work involving a semi-transparent table cell with other graphics BEHIND it... so far the cell is the right opacity but the layers aren't co-operating. grrrrr.... sigh. And I still want to try drawing my own anime style graphics... hrrrrmmmm.... should I sleep?

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Friday Five

1. What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?

Own a pair of roller skates and learn to roller skate.

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?

I am careful that everything I say is truthful, but I tend to try to feel out if the person asking wants encouragement or a critique!

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? What happened?

I found out a friend's husband was closed minded and judging me on my childhood past. I now feel bad about them saying mean things about me and making judgements that I feel they shouldn't be making. I feel indignant and don't really want to be around them for them to hurt me more.

4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?

ElfQuest's World of Two Moons, because it's beautiful and wild and I'd love to have the ability to "send."

5. What's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted?

A photographic memory and the ability to share those memories somehow.

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I was visiting my friend Erika's site as I hadn't been there in a LONG time, and she's got a really cute layout and graphics, as usual! ^-^ I tend to get inspired to mess with making new graphics after visiting her site. Anyway, I wandered around and I found the little doggie she had hidden on her site! So here it is!

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this is my way to live

What about yours?

made by rav-chan

I took the fruity fruit quiz

made by rav-chan

Check out which fruit you are

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Midnight - You are a deep thinker, always searching
for answers and never quite at home. You are
very contemplative, and enjoy being alone with
your thoughts.

When are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

you like to experiment and try new things. if
something doesn't work right the first time you
try again. when it doesn't work at all you
know when to give up and move on

What quote best describes you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a famous historian. While making a
documentary about King Arthur and the quest for
the Holy Grail, you were unexpectedly slain by
a random knight.

Which Monty Python's Quest For the Holy Grail character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Well I was tired and crashing tonight but now that I've had my NAP it seems I'm up for the rest of the night now! I was MISERABLE when Juan got home from work early, and he helped me find the sinus pills and that's helped a LOT. I need to figure out that's what's making me miserable with the headaches and light sensitivity faster next time this happens, I could have felt better sooner! Juan wanted to make me some chicken soup for dinner but I mainly just wanted the noodles and broth, so he made ramen noodles with lots of extra chicken broth instead, and it was good. ^-^ We watched a new show we hadn't seen yet on BBC America, it was called Faking It and we saw two episodes, one where a hamburger stand guy was trained for 4 weeks to work as a chef, and another where a male ballet dancer was trained for 4 weeks to work as a wrestler. In both it was really interesting to watch the changes in their self confidence and demeanor.

A couple of nights ago I started re-watching Excel Saga as I'm pretty sure I still haven't watched ALL the episodes yet, even though I have them. I love poor Menchi, the emergency food supply.... I need to break away from my mad downloading addiction to play my Sims Superstar game again, it's been WEEKS since I last played, between life, distractions, and anime.... I'd like to get at least one of my sims to the level of Superstar before the next expansion pack is released! O-o Maybe that'll be my plan after watching Excel Saga tonight... maybe.... I need to learn to balance my addictions. ~-^

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Thursday, June 12, 2003

I have this vague but insistent urge to remodel my blog template and make some new graphics for it... I have ideas for an anime theme but I just keep thinking and not sitting down and trying to make the graphics. I think it's partly all the anime I've been watching, and partly from a while back when Kisty and Celleigh were here and Celleigh kept having ideas for cute little anime versions of us saying things. ^-^ Maybe now that I've mentioned it here I'll get around to messing with photoshop and DO something... part of the problem is I keep having different ideas for the colors to go with... sigh. :-P

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Nutella and seedless blackberry jelly sandwiches are good. ^-^ I've been up all night again, burning fansubbed anime off the hard drive before it pops! I keep stumbling into new series via my bad habit of looking up what other anime the users on kazaa have when I see I'm downloading something pretty fast from them. My latest addictions are Hunter X Hunter and Rurouni Kenshin. I've also been looking around with the vague mission of finding out what anime the graphic of a girl with wings playing the violin comes from, I think whatever that's from I'd be interested in it. Another new find for me I can't remember the name of, Haibane something, but it translates to something like Grey Feather Federation and so far I've seen the first episode and it seems to be about young people becoming angels that are born from cocoons and have no memory of their past life, but have dreams while they're in the cocoon and that's how they are named when they emerge.

Last night was a surprise when Juan came home, his brother Ernesto saw Juan driving home from picking up fried chicken for dinner and so he followed him home! He showed us his new tv screen in his truck, and he stayed for dinner and watched the end of the basketball game with Juan. It was a good visit. ^-^ His bronchitus is really bad again now so he hasn't been able to go to work for a few days. I hope he does call in to tell them what's happening, sometimes he doesn't.

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Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Whoah! I just had trouble publishing my post so I went back to the blogger main page and then came back to edit my blog again and the whole blogger system has changed JUST now as I was doing stuff! O-o I wonder if that's why it wasn't working, I was trying to have it do stuff while they were changing over their whole system to this new format and features!

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Well it's been another long week of being mostly sick and not doing much. Last Wednesday Kisty was having a really rough time so Celleigh picked her up and brought her over to our place and we got to visit and hang out, then when Juan went to bed and we still wanted to talk Celleigh took us to Pig Stand for a while since we didn't think we could be quiet enough for Juan to sleep through at home. It was great to talk and visit but I managed to get into a little too much cigarette smoke and I've had a sore throat and swollen lymph nodes and have been fighting off an ear infection in my left ear since then. It might not be all just the smoke though, as I've had fever on and off too and Celleigh said Moonwolf had the fevers and swollen lymph nodes after he was here last Tuesday briefly before we cancelled our visit because he was sick and then I crashed. At least whatever it is the throat is much better and only a little tender now, but a cough has moved into my chest when I get started choking on water or something.

Today was really good in a way, Juan was off from work for the day and we actually tried to set aside the day to just spend with each other, and we stayed home more or less all day except for Juan going out for errands. We finally got stuff put back in the storage room after having to move it to the bedroom to give the landlord access to work on the air conditioner. Since we were moving stuff around in there I wanted to organize it better and sort some of the boxes of papers and stuff that we've been needing to sort since we moved in here in December 2000! I finally threw out all my old bills and stuff and found stuff from as far back as 1996! I kept all the medical related bills and papers, and car repair recipts and stuff like that though. I found some stuff that I'd been wishing I knew where it was, old letters, cards, photographs. We had sandwiches and nachos and cookies for lunch, and we made the tortelini with the end of my pasta sauce for dinner. We watched 3 movies on tv and listened to my 4 cds Monkees collection that I hadn't gotten to hear yet. I finally tried on the roller skates a friend got me for Christmas from a thrift store that I'd never managed to get around to seeing if they fit. They sort of did... but sort of didn't. They were about the right length but with my mutant feet that are TALL up and down they didn't fit to lace up properly, and the heel bit into me too much, and they were too narrow... so it was fun to try but I think they'll be going to goodwill but hopefully inspiring me to save up and replace them with skates that fit. It's hard to find roller skates instead of roller blades nowdays though. We took pictures of each other being silly. ^-^ I found a ton of programs and instruction manuals and stuff that belongs in the computer desk! And the little computer mouse shaped back massager!! So Juan gave me a little massage with it after I finished sorting through the second box of bills and papers and I was hurting from sitting on the floor hunched over weird for so long. This was the kind of day I feel like we got married for, where you get to spend time hanging out and making the place you live a home and just enjoying being together. It's been too long since we've done that. I hope we can plan to do it more often, like maybe once a month. ^-^

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Thursday, June 05, 2003

I don't quite know what's going on but it seems like a lot of our neighbors are having trouble with the new landlord and his mother and they're all moving out. It looks like 4 out of the 8 apartments here are now empty! O-o I woke up earlier than I wanted to, with the new handyman hammering next door but I couldn't be sure it wasn't someone at the door so I woke up and grabbed my shorts to answer the door, but when it sounded like no one was there I peeked out the window instead and no one was there... so then the banging started again from the other side of the bathroom wall and I knew what was going on... and that I was up for the day since I wouldn't be able to sleep through all that. Then the guy DID come knock on the door, our leaking air conditioner dripped water down to the apartment below us so that lady reported the leak and though we hadn't been able to get ahold of the landlord about it she did, so I was THRILLED to show the handyman what was happening with the leak! I also showed him where the light switch to the dining room light had snapped off and he was already going to the store to pick up stuff for repairs next door where Jerry moved out, so he got the replacement for the light switch too and when he came back he replaced it. I have LIGHT in my dining room again! I'm SOOOO happy!!!! ^-^

Moonwolf and Celleigh JUST came by with Rosabelle as I was typing here, it turns out they were able to pick her up from the vet today after all! They had called the vet earlier to see how she was and the plan then was to keep her there overnight, but when they got to the veternary clinic with some stuff for her to stay with overnight, it turned out she was doing well enough to take her home! Rokki is still at the vet's till tomorrow morning though. But after all this is over and everyone's recovered there should be no chance of accidental kitties or puppies now! ^-^

I'm a little nervous about whatever's going on with Crystal and Mark, our neighbors that were downstairs and around the corner, and our landlord and his mother. It seems they had a big fight and aren't getting along and Crystal and Mark are suddenly moving out RIGHT NOW. I thought they were already finished and moved out but they're here today now trying to get the last of their things. Crystal came up to borrow our phone trying to get someone else with a van to show up. I really don't want to get dragged into the middle of all this, there are too many high tempers and I don't want to make a bad first impression on the landlord's mother via guilt through association.

Which gets me started into my latest little rant. I hate it when people thow out terms like "gay" and "bipolar" as things to call people when they don't like them. When I don't know what's going on I first actually take this as information, as I HAVE friends who are gay, and friends who are bipolar! So when one of the tennants here was going on about how the landlord was gay and he always had his mother around to side with him, my first thought was oh, ok, I didn't know he was gay, and I thought I just didn't know him well enough to know about his personal life. But then I realized he had a son who just died... and I realized that it was more likely that the word gay was being thrown around as an attack word instead of that maybe he had his son before understanding his sexuality or making the choice to come out or whatever. Then one of the tennants here was angry that the landlord's mother was accusing her husband of being crazy and saying stuff about him being bipolar. Which, to me, shouldn't have had anything to do with the situation of the landlord not fixing the broken appliances that were his responsibility anyway... so I was first indignant that the landlord's mother would drag in any imbalance like that into the situation and add that to the fight. But then I realized that neither of the neighbors had mentioned anything about him being bipolar, so again, it was just being thrown around as a word to attack and hurt with.

Stuff like this sometimes makes me wonder how people misusing those words like that would react if I asked questions as my response to that, like "oh, he's gay, who's his boyfriend?" or "oh, he's bipolar, what medication is he on?" Would they stop to realize that what they're saying isn't having the reaction they want, which seems to be making the person hearing that someone is gay or bipolar DISLIKE that person BECAUSE of hearing that.

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Note to Self: Do not open mouth to sing made up songs about dogs having flea baths while one is trimming one's toenails. (No, I don't want no scrubs, the kind that you get sittin in the tubs with fleas, whining beggin please please please, let me roll outside, let me run and hide from the soaps that you're puttin on me!)

I should be asleep but I had caf-FIEND today... er... yesterday....

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